Guidance News

Arecent article in Time magazine citessome new research done at Tulane University that “provides the strongestevidence yet against the use of spanking: of the nearly 2500 children in the study, those who were spanked morefrequently at age 3 were more likely to be aggressive by age 5.” This evidencesupports other research, and The American Academy of Pediatrics does notendorse spanking for any reason, mainly because of its long-term ineffectivenessas a behavior-changing tactic. Some of the online comments about the article were interesting, manyquoting the old proverb, “Spare the rod and spoil the child.”

However,this does not mean that parents are supposed to roll over, play dead, and letkids do whatever they want. Beloware some discipline strategies that can be effective. Although most parents are probably already using many ofthese, reminders and possibly a new idea or two can never hurt:

· Praise. Catch your child being good, and try to praise the behavior,not the child. “I like the way youput your clothes away. Your roomlooks great!” However, praiseloses its power if behavior that you expect normally gets showered withpraise. So keep it genuine, freshand brief. Skip the gushing.

· Selective ignoring, otherwise known as“pick your spots.” You can ignoresome small things that are annoying but don’t harm people or property. For this to work, you have to be makingsure that you are acknowledging the desirable behaviors.

· Time Out, a.k.a. “quiet time” or “thinkingtime.” This works best if it isused to shape behavior rather than punish. It stops the misbehavior and gives both the child and parenttime to regroup and reflect. Timeouts should be brief, about a minute per year of age. Time out should be quiet, and once it’s over it needs to beover. The time has been served andit’s best to get on with the day.

· Teach understanding of consequences. Children learn discipline byexperiencing the consequences of their choices. You want to prevent dangerous and expensive mistakes, butotherwise let the child experience the consequences of his/her badchoices. Don’t be too quick tothink, “Not my child!” or bail him/her out of taking consequences. This way the child eventually learns totake responsibility for his/her behavior.

· Reminders, a.k.a. “the look.” Teachers are experts at this. A reminder can be a look when the childis about to misbehave, or a short verbal cue that jogs a child’s memory aboutsomething to be done. Sometimeskids like written reminders because they feel more in control.

· Motivating. Make your limits and expectations clear. Sometimes chores charts help to clarifyexpectations. Praise and sometimesreward a job well done, but not so much that the child expects a tangiblepayoff for everything s/he does. Point out the “natural payoffs.” Getting homework done early means more time to play before bed. Helping around the house might meanthat Mom or Dad has time to play a game or do something fun. Feeding a dog produces a happier moreloyal dog.

· Negotiating. If used well and wisely, this can improve parent/childcommunication and can help children to learn to stand up for their rights in arespectful manner. You need to beclear about what things are and are not negotiable, and you need to expectrespectful language (from adults and kids) that includes no yelling orwhining. If you are talked to in adisrespectful manner, it’s time to end negotiations for the time being.

· Withdrawal of privileges. We all use this, but it works best whenit is naturally connected with the behavior. If you abuse your computer privileges you lose them for aday. If you break it, you fix itor pay for it. If you’re mean tosomeone, you make amends and may have social contacts restricted for a shorttime.

· “Yes, if. . . “ When kids ask if they can do something, we are sometimesquick to say “no” out of legitimate concerns. But sometimes we can put reasonable conditions on theactivity that makes it okay. “Yes,you can go to Johnny’s if his parents are home.” Yes, you can see that movie if its rated “G” or “PG.” Yes, you can go to the playground ifyou stay with your friend and are home by 5:00.” If the conditions are broken, the next time, the answer islikely to be “no.” Obviously, ifthere are no circumstances under which the activity is okay, you say no. “No, you cannot wear sandals to schoolwhen it’s ten below.”

We all have differentparenting styles, and kids have different needs based on age, temperament, andthe kinds of problems their behavior presents. The goal is to provide kids with appropriate limits and toboth treat them with respect and teach them to respect themselves andothers. According to the studycited in Time, “Compared withchildren who were not hit, those who were spanked were more likely to bedefiant, demand immediate satisfaction of their wants and needs, get frustratedeasily, have temper tantrums and lash out physically against others.” What parent wants that?